Why I want to be an English referee (and fleece Jose Mourinho, too!)

I want to become a referee.

Or at least, let me be a member of the English FA. That way, I can be in a good position to collect all the fines that Jose Mourinho pays. Seriously, the guy is racking up a very impressive number of sanctions. This is so much that if you calculate the total amount that Jose has paid in fines, it amounts to close to 110 million pounds. That’s in England alone. Over the years since his first time at Stamford Bridge, Jose Mourinho has gained a reputation as a trash-talking dude, and the referees in England have adapted. Honestly, guys, I think the most lucrative job in the English Premier League 9apart from Head Coach of Manchester City) would be “Jose-Mourinho-fine collector”.

Last weekend, during the match between Manchester United and West Ham United, Paul Pogba suddenly remembered his good old days in the ballet theater. He remembered the elegant pirouettes, the awesome skips, and the magnificent drops to the floor that characterize some forms of football ballet. Anyway, the dude decided to reenact some of these moves; well, he does this kind of thing all the time. However, this time, he did the re-enacting while in the penalty box against West Ham; a poor choice, if you ask me. Why, you ask?

Everyone knows the answer to that one. In football, you’re not supposed to suddenly drop to the ground when no one touched you. Therefore, when good old Paulie decided to take a dive, the referee was not impressed. He not only refused to award Manchester United a penalty, but he also showed Pogba a yellow card. Naturally, Jose Mourinho did not take this lightly. His good man Pogba had just recreated one of the world’s most fabulous swan dives, and all the referee could do was award a yellow card? No way. He was already feeling frustrated, due to United’s poor performance. However, at this point, he could hold it in no longer. He let fly with a perfect instep on a poor, unsuspecting water bottle.

For that, Jose Mourinho received a red card. And he is facing yet another fine for this. Oh God, I so wish to be a referee. I could have personally collected that fine.

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