“No honey; I don’t feel like it” [A Wedding Reception Story]

Recently, I was honoured to chair the reception party at a wedding here in Lagos. Everyone knows that wedding guests really do not give a hoot for speeches, much less the chairman’s speech. No-one wants to hear the chairman’s speech at any occasion. Every time I had attended a wedding reception, I wondered why the chairmen ever bothered. Now, here I was on the spot. Whatever it was, I decided I wasn’t going to give a speech. So, what did I do?

two hearts

When called up and handed the microphone for the chairman’s speech, I announced that I knew no-one wanted to hear a speech and offered to tell a short story instead. I observed that this got people’s attention immediately and they quietened a bit. Then I told them this brief, engaging and hilarious story:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every man on the planet dreads to hear, “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in bed?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited.

She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?”

I then said “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Everywhere in the reception hall, people laughed their hearts out and I got a good ovation. I thanked the guests, handed the mic back to the MC and went back to my seat. It was a short story. It was comedy. It was engaging. And it had a message. Weeks after that wedding, I was still receiving feedback on that story. I doubt that the guests will forget it. On the other hand, if I had delivered a speech…

I have always believed that we are a story-telling culture. Our people love stories. I have always enjoyed telling great stories – written or oral, and I intend to continue to explore how our love of stories can be deployed in a wide range of scenarios.

Mister Mobility

Storyteller. Mobile connoisseur. Adventurer. See his detailed profile.

28 thoughts on ““No honey; I don’t feel like it” [A Wedding Reception Story]

  1. Whatttttt!

    Yomi jor! Didn’t feel like paying? Kai! Why take her there in the first place?

    Loved it sha, and thanks for a story rather than a speech. Death to speeches at weddings!


    I love this story!!! It’s akin to a facebook post I made some weeks ago:

    “Girl: No Premarital Sex. I’m Saving Myself For My Future Husband.
    Boy: No Premarital Spending Too. I’m Saving My Money For My Future Wife.
    No premarital sex. No premarital money-spending. Let ONLY Love carry them to the alter. God no go vex. +1”

  3. Some of these “story” fly over my head. I would get upset because someone doesn’t buy me baubles like it’s life and death? Or I’m refused sex and seek to spite the other person? Talk about harbouring a grudge, especially against a spouse.

    A friend and I had a standing joke for years that “you should not refuse your husband”. Within one context, this “story” has some validity, in another it’s trite. If human “satisfaction” was derived purely from sex and shopping (thankfully not!) we are doomed as a species.

    1. Noni,

      Bah. Somebody has suddenly lost her sense of humour.

      And, of course, we are doomed as a species. Did you miss the memo? 🙂

  4. Hahahahahahaha…..oga you too much. Presently I am at work and I just read this story out to the hearing of my colleagues at work and they all just can’t stop laughing out loud. They said you will be better in story telling/writing than phones/gadgets.

    @spacyzuma, if only I know of this your post too years back I for like am wella. Some babes deserve that kind of reply jare.

  5. Mr Mo, I’ve heard this one loads of times and the “humour” – if you want to call it that – eludes me.

    Whatever happened to “… Chop my money, chop my money, ah ah ah don’t care”? 😛

  6. Noni,

    Buhahahaha! I see. Two can play that game. Let’s see….

    Whatever happened to “Oh, when you hold me like that, I just get wet and want you inside me! I want to feel you hard!”

    There 🙂

  7. LMAO!!!! Omg!!!! So I read this this morning during breakfast…@work. Laughed out soooo loud…colleagues snorted!!! 🙂 My!!! Sir, u got me on that one! Didn’t even see that plot coming. Actually thinking dude was so sweet trying 2’win’ her back! Ha!!! Now I know berra! *Wickedgrin* Awesome article!!! Will definitely share!

  8. A story of ‘tit-for-tat’. Well, in that story, if ur wife decided to go the whole 9 yards with d game, you, Mr Mo would lose. We shld chose our battles carefully b4 we end up losing d war.

      1. Lemme paint a scenario(d aftermath of what u did):u come home late from work,hungr and tired expecting a hot meal,e.t.c and she uses that same line on u abt wanting her for what the things she cooks u. U hv dirty laundry and she uses that line too. Soon, every request u make, will hv one ending….. I feel rather than start up a possible trend, u coulda just talked to d lady that nyt and asked what was bothering her rather plot ur revenge. My opinion tho *shrug*

  9. Isoken,

    Haha. I see. what if I am one of those domesticated guys who can cook their own meal and do their own laundry? Checkmate?

  10. Hehehe my stomach oº° I cannot laugh again… Haba Mr Mo! *sigh
    I don’t even know what I would do in her shoes.Joker 🙂

  11. This is very educating to couple. Of a truth, days of speeches in wedding is gone. I wish to tell this one day. Nice one.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *