Pssst: Satire alert!
I woke up this morning to find a series of tweets by Reverend Sista Gbemisoke of the Church of Married Twitter. I always knew that the woman had issues, but she has clearly lost her marbles now. Apparently, while I was away busy, she had done a series of tweets on the subject of orgasms. She even suggested that one of the reasons why pastors’ wives often look unhappy is because they aren’t getting the big O. Yes; she thinks your pastor’s wife looks grim not because she is being prayerful and “in the Spirit”, but because she isn’t getting fire in her bosom. Such an ungodly concept, if ever I came across one. Anyway, the good sista finally concluded with a tweet that said, “Orgasms are God’s idea.”
Well, I never. How can anyone blaspheme as badly as sista Gbemisoke has done by saying that orgasms are God’s idea? Have you ever stopped to picture what really goes on during sex and in particular during an orgasm? Let me help you.
First, a man and a woman start out dying of desire for each other’s body. Basically, that is lust. It is a strong passionate desire. Say after me: lust. Then, after a while, self control sort of goes out the window as the passion builds up.
Very soon, both the man and the woman are panting, sweating and heaving like two idiots. That godly looking man in suit that you know in church is not looking quite godly or holy now. His penis is possessed now. How else does a limp, dangling organ of flesh and blood become stiff and hard and begins throbbing this way? This possessed Christian brother then proceeds to ram his stiff rod into the woman again and again. How cruel. What crudity. And at this point, the woman you are used to seeing behave prim and proper and lifting holy hands at church is behaving more like a demon-possessed pagan priestess needing deliverance. She is twisting and turning (snake spirit; anyone?), moaning animal-like sounds, and maybe pulling her hair out too.
At the point of orgasm, the woman gains the strength of ten men and can easily kill her man there and then if she wants. An orgasm is the height of possession and insanity. And if you have no idea what a man looks like during an orgasm, think of what an enraged grotesque demon would look like. You got that. There is nothing godly about the sight. Nothing you see at that point reflects the fruit of the spirit.
Did you know that some people even speak in other tongues when caught up in the throes of erotic passion during an orgasm? Some shout “Oh God!” and sometimes even “Jesus!! Jesus!!” again and again when that spirit descends on them. I mean, even people who go to church only once a year or never at all. False religion! False gifts and manifestations of the Spirit on display. Plus, isn’t that taking the name of the Lord in vain? You have no idea how deeply evil and spiritually deceptive this orgasm thing is.
Brothers and sisters in the Lord, in the light of the above, how can Reverend Sista Gbemisoke claim that orgasms are of God? How can God – the thrice holy God – conceive such debauchery in His pure, great mind, and gift it to humans? The same God who wants us to delight in Him alone would give us this lewd, hopelessly carnal experience in which we lustfully worship the body of a puny, often badly flawed human? One can only imagine that God turns away when two people initiate sex. It must be repulsive to Him. Surely, God doesn’t do porn! His eyes cannot behold the carnal sensuality on display.
Do you realise that nobody experiences such a level of intense and almost indescribable pleasure from praise and worship? Do you not know that God is a jealous God? How can He be behind this situation in which someone (or something) else gives you more pleasure than He gives you? God would let a human outdo Him? And you claim that not only was this idolatry His idea, but that He is actually involved and approves? Tufiakwa! God forbid bad thing.
Wait sef! Does the Bible command anyone to give and have orgasms? And for those of you who keep asking “What would Jesus do?”, please stop asking stupid questions. Just try picturing Jesus doing “things” to a woman and then becoming temporarily transformed into a grotesque demon Himself. No; that would be Jesus gone wrong.
Sista Gbemisoke is wrong. Tweeting blasphemous stuff like this is the reason she can never get a real church to pastor. All she will have is the Church of Married Twitter. There is no question about it: orgasms are of the devil and all who participate in this idolatry will burn in hell. Now excuse me while I go give and have a few. Yes; I look forward to seeing you in hell.